1. If you feel the need to perform jumping jacks at five in the morning, please consider using our gym. Not only does it feature state-of-the-art equipment, but it’s also not located above sleeping guests.
2. As a gentle reminder, the hotel’s hallways are not playgrounds for your children. Activities such as screaming loudly and running from one end to the other are generally frowned upon — especially during nighttime hours.
3. If using our pool, please consider drying off before returning to your room. Other guests have difficulty walking when there are trails of water drenching the lobby, elevators and hallways.
4. Please refrain from starting your car at four in the morning and revving it repeatedly for half an hour, especially if you’re parked alongside the building.
5. Please remember that hotel beds are not trampolines. If your children enjoy performing somersaults and backflips, consider enrolling them in a gymnastics program.
6. If checking in at 9 p.m. or later, please refrain from hollering in the hallways and banging your luggage around. Many suitcases have wheels, which makes it easy to cart them from Point A to Point B without crashing them into walls or dropping them onto the floor.
7. There’s no need for your TV’s volume to rival that of a rock concert. There’s also no need to scream or even speak with an elevated voice. Though most of our walls are soundproof, they’re unable to mask nuclear explosion-level sound.
8. If you see a newspaper on the floor in front of your neighbor’s door, please don’t touch it. It’s not yours. Ditto for room-service trays parked in the hallways. If you can afford a $110-per-night room, you can afford a $1.50 cinnamon roll.
9. Many of our rooms have doors that close on their own. There’s no need to slam them closed and shake every wall in the hotel.
10. Although we hope you enjoy our free continental breakfast, we ask you not to allow your children to handle every muffin on the tray. Though you might think your children are cute and charming, others find them vile and disgusting, and they want to see as little of them as possible.
Thank you. We hope you enjoy your stay!
5 Rules We Wish Hotels Would Follow
1. When I request a nonsmoking room, I mean a room that no one has smoked in, ever — not a room that is nonsmoking “as of today.”
2. When I bring my own soap from home, please don’t confiscate it and replace it with one of your dime-thin, baby shoe-sized bars. I can work up a better lather from a stone.
3. The “Do Not Disturb” sign hanging from my doorknob isn’t a casual suggestion. I’m simply not prepared at 6 a.m. to have my room cleaned.
4. I don’t consider a “suite” to be a room with a microwave and an extra bed that folds into a couch.
5. If you’re going to provide a coffeemaker in the room, then please also provide real, caffeinated coffee. Nothing’s crueler than waking up at five in the morning and realizing someone left you two packets of a “gourmet” decaf blend. I’m not in the best of moods when I have to trudge to the lobby with bed-head and slippers for a genuine cup of coffee.