Why is it that Jeopardy! contestants always have the lamest anecdotes?
You know what I mean. After the first commercial break, host Alex Trebek asks each competitor to tell the audience a little bit about themselves. These people have this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to appear on television in front of millions of people, but do any of them have an interesting story to tell — like the time they narrowly avoided a shark attack, or the time they climbed to the top of the Cliffs of Insanity to sword fight the Man in Black?
You know, something exciting? Or at least mildly entertaining?
Nope. No on-the-edge-of-your-seat entertainment with these folks. Instead, we get such jaw-dropping fare as the following:
ALEX TREBEK: Our returning champion, Carl, is from Indiana. Now Carl, I understand that you once created a nuisance in a public library?
CARL: (stifling laughter) I did, Alex.
ALEX: Tell us about it.
CARL: Well, you’re not going to believe it, but one time, I was in this library, and I accidentally dropped a ten-pound Shakespeare anthology on the floor.
CARL: Yeah, and the funny thing was, I was standing right next to a “QUIET” sign. Everyone stared at me!
(Audience screams with laughter, tears dripping down their faces.)
ALEX: Wow, Carl. Sounds like you’re a menace to society.
CARL: (convulsing with laughter) I am! I am!
ALEX: Right. Well, menace us with your intelligence as you pick up your signaling device and help us finish off the first round.
It’s tempting to feel sorry for these people … that is, until you see the contestants on Wheel of Fortune.
CONTESTANT: I’d like to solve the puzzle.
PAT SAJAK: Go ahead.
CONTESTANT: “Pinenut and Jerky Sandwich.”
PAT SAJAK: No! No, you moron! It’s “Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich!” For the love of god, how stupid are you?
CONTESTANT: I’d like to spin the wheel again. It’s shiny.