A true gentleman will give a woman his coat if it’s cold. But what if she ordered the fancy salad and won’t put out?
In that case, I’d only give her my hat. Besides, if she’s not smart enough to wear a coat when it’s cold, then I don’t think this relationship’s going to work out. I’m looking for someone who’s a little more on the ball, and a sleeveless dress in winter just screams “clueless.”
I’m also not one for laying my coat in the mud for a woman to walk on. Unless, of course, she’s the one doing the laundry. Besides, a good coat is hard to find these days. They’re also expensive, and I don’t carry enough Kohl’s cash to be throwing perfectly good coats in the mud.
Anyway, I’m not a believer in using garments for anything other than their intended purpose. Oh, sure, I’ll wash my car with a ragged t-shirt now and then, but I draw a firm line when it comes to throwing coats in the mud. Besides, if we’re on a date, then why are we tromping around in mud puddles, anyway? When I’m with a woman, especially one I feel strongly about, I’ll take her for a romantic evening at the Long John Silver’s. No mud puddles involved (at least until after dinner, when I walk her to my trailer across the highway).
I also don’t like to hold the door open for women, because it just leads to unreasonable expectations later on. Hold open a door today, and then tomorrow she’ll expect you to get a job. I simply can’t deal with that kind of pressure. Besides, I have trouble touching strange doorknobs, and I don’t always have a tissue. It’s much better if the woman holds open the door for me. They usually carry tissues in their purses.
Some women have called me names like “chauvinist,” “pig,” and “jerk” but I’m really not. There’s a sensitive creature lurking beneath this rugged and amazingly muscular exterior. And to prove it, I’ll sometimes even offer to go halves on dinner. (But only if she agrees to get the tip. Because it takes compromise to make a strong relationship.)
And no, I don’t do flowers or chocolates or little endearing gifts like that. Again, they just lead to unreasonable expectations later on. If I buy a Valentine’s Day gift one year, then I’ll just end up having to do it every year. And then I’ll have to outdo myself, getting bigger and better gifts each year. Again, I just don’t need that kind of pressure. Valentine’s Day is hard enough as it is, what with having to book a reservation at Long John Silver’s and all. You have to plan in advance.
I don’t even want to have to pick out a card. All of them have these cutesy, lovey-dovey messages inside, and I never know which one to buy. I can’t be expected to make life-and-death decisions like this. All I’m looking for is a relationship, not a college-entrance exam.
I’m just airing my opinion now to get it out in the open. It’s not fair that I should have all of these additional burdens laid on me simply because I’m a man. Holding open doors, paying for a date, finding a job. I mean, where does it end? I didn’t think life was supposed to be like this. Women complain that it’s difficult to find a decent man, but with the bar raised so high, it’s no wonder. I simply can’t compete with a guy who buys flowers on Valentine’s Day and remembers to put the seat down.
So if you’re cool with me not buying into all that demanding “gentleman” nonsense, then I think we might make a pretty good couple. I’m a cool guy once you get to know me, and my rules are few. All I ask is that dinner be served by six, and also that you don’t over-starch my shirts when you’re doing the laundry. Oh, and I want a beer open and waiting for me when I get home from work (in the event that I find a job).
See? Not too many rules.
And if you’re especially nice to me, I may even splurge and take you to the Long John Silver’s on Valentine’s Day. But only if we go halves on the check. And you pick up the tip.
Because, like I said, it takes compromise to make a strong relationship.