No, I don’t want to save 15 percent on my next purchase

In the time it took me to refuse a shoppers’ reward card, I could have signed up for a shoppers’ reward card. The irony is not lost on me.

In the time it took me to refuse a shoppers’ reward card, I could have signed up for a shoppers’ reward card. The irony is not lost on me.

CLERK: Do you have a shoppers’ reward card?

ME: No.

CLERK: Would you like to sign up for a shoppers’ reward card?

ME: No thank you.

CLERK: Are you sure?

ME: I’m sure.

CLERK: You know, if you sign up today, you can save 15 percent on your next purchase.

ME: No thank you.

CLERK: You don’t want to save 15 percent on your next purchase?

ME: I’d love to save 15 percent on my next purchase. I just don’t want to sign up for a shoppers’ reward card.

CLERK: It takes only five minutes to sign up.

ME: I don’t have five minutes.

CLERK: You can’t take five minutes to save 15 percent on your next purchase?

ME: Fifteen percent isn’t worth my five minutes.

CLERK: Your time is that valuable?

ME: I value my life, and I don’t want to waste it filling out a form.

CLERK: You don’t have to fill out the form. I’ll fill it out for you if you give me your information.

ME: I don’t want to give you my information.

CLERK: Why? Do you have something to hide?

ME: No. My information is none of your business.

CLERK: Yeah, well, your information can save you 15 percent on your next purchase.

ME: I don’t care about saving 15 percent on my next purchase.

CLERK: Why? Do you have somewhere you have to be?

ME: No.

CLERK: Is it because you’re rich and can afford to waste money?

ME: No. It’s because I don’t plan on coming in here again — ever.

CLERK: That’s unfortunate. Did you not have a pleasant shopping experience?

ME: The shopping experience was fine. It was the checking-out part that ruined it all.

CLERK: Are you trying to insinuate that I ruined your day, sir?

ME: I’m not trying to insinuate. I’m trying to be clear.

CLERK: So I ruined your day. That’s what you’re saying.

ME: Not my whole day. Just my shopping experience.

CLERK: That’s not fair. All I did was offer you an opportunity to save 15 percent on your next purchase.

ME: And in doing so, you ruined my shopping experience.

CLERK: Well, excuse me for doing my job.

ME: Your job is to ring up my item, and yet I’m still standing here with no purchase and no receipt.

CLERK: Ringing up purchases is only part of my job. The other part is signing up customers for a shoppers’ reward card.

ME: I’d rather you just ring up my purchase.

CLERK: And I’d rather be a practicing attorney, but I couldn’t afford law school. That’s why I’m working here for $9 an hour.

ME: I’m sorry for your unfulfilled aspirations, but I just want to pay for these socks so I can carry on with my day.

CLERK: My aspirations would be more fulfilled if you’d sign up for a shoppers’ reward card. Then I’d make my quota.

ME: Nice salesmanship, but no.

CLERK: Are you sure? You can save 15 percent on your next purchase.

ME: You already made that point, and I’m still not interested.

CLERK: You’re not interested in saving 15 percent?

ME: Like I said, I’m interested in saving 15 percent. I’m just not interested in signing up for a shoppers’ reward card.

CLERK: If you want to save 15 percent, then you have to sign up for the card.

ME: Then in that case, I don’t want to save 15 percent.

CLERK: Well, that’s unfortunate. I was counting on you to make my quota. Then I could earn my monthly bonus and feed my family.

ME: And I was counting on you to ring up my purchase. Sounds like we’re equally disappointed.

CLERK: Here’s your receipt. Please don’t ever come back.

ME: Don’t worry. I’m sure I can save 15 percent shopping down the street.

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18 thoughts on “No, I don’t want to save 15 percent on my next purchase

    1. Allen Post author

      It seems like it’s everywhere! You can’t even order fast food anymore without being asked to take a survey. All I want is a burger and fries. I don’t want to participate in the census.

      Like

      1. Allen Post author

        I’m a terrible salesperson. I’d probably be convincing people why they didn’t want a shoppers’ reward card.

        “Trust me, ma’am, it’s not worth your time. Sure, I get paid $10 for every customer I sign up, but it’s just one more thing you’d have to carry. And then it might get mixed up with your credit cards, and really, who needs the hassle? I’d rather forgo dinner than make you sign up for something you don’t really need.”

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Allen Post author

      When they ask me for my zip code, I’ll always give them one for a neighboring county. I’m not a bad person, but I do admit that I get a malicious, sinister sense of satisfaction at that minuscule act of rebellion. 🙂

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      1. Allen Post author

        I appreciate that, and thank you! I was worried the people still in line were thinking, “Man, why doesn’t that guy just pay for his stuff and get out of here?”

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    1. Allen Post author

      Truer words have never been spoken. The experience was horrifying, humiliating, atrocious and grotesque.

      And that was just the part where I was trying on clothes. Never mind the shoppers-reward-card stuff.

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      1. Allen Post author

        Ha! That’s great — and I think I need therapy, too. Just no past-memory regression. I don’t want to remember anything about trying on pants. Way too traumatic.

        Liked by 1 person

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