Stocks rallied Wednesday, closing at record highs on the news that Fed Chairwoman Janet Yellen blew gas out the back of her ass.
The sonorous — and, by some reports, odorous — explosion provided a welcome relief to investors, who have been hanging on every syllable the Fed utters in anticipation of a September rate hike.
“These days, it’s all about watching the Fed,” said Morgan Smithers, investment strategist for Rich Prick Financial Services Inc. “Whenever they speak, write — and yes, even fart — it can carry enormous ramifications for the market at large.”
Market analysts said Yellen’s horrific flatulence is bullish for the overall market, as it signals the rebound of the American economy.
“Let’s put it this way,” Smithers said. “If you’re farting, it’s a sign that you’re eating. And the richer the food you eat, the more you’re going to fart. So if we have members of the Federal Reserve blasting ass trumpets, it’s a positive sign that the economy is on track, and that current asshole bubbles — excuse me, asset bubbles — will remain intact.
“In fact,” he added, “the only thing better would be if members of the Federal Reserve shart their pants during the September meeting. That would indicate that they’ve been gorging on a veritable feast, and that a cornucopia of fortune awaits American consumers.”
Frustration has mounted among wealthy investors who are counting on the Fed to keep propping up the market so they can rake in even more money.
“It’s irksome to watch my massive fortune shrink ever so slightly during the down days,” said Wilbur Von Snotbucket, hedge-fund manager for Elite Assholes LLC. “I have a 20,000-square-foot estate, 10 vacation properties, and three ex-wives to support — not to mention the hangar rental for my three private jets. I’ll tell you, it’s tough getting by in this brutal economy.”
Analysts have generally adopted a day-by-day approach as they wait for the Fed to set a firm date for the proposed rate increase. On days when the market’s down, they assume a gloomy demeanor and hurl criticisms at the Fed for not supporting the market.
On up days, however, they take on a “See, I told you so” attitude and bask in the extraordinary health of the overall economy.
“They’re sort of the monetary manifestation of Katy Perry’s Hot N Cold,” said Glenda Johnson, host of a radio talk show that focuses on financial matters. “But if there’s one thing they all agree on, it’s that the Fed should keep its focus on the short-term enrichment of greedy gamblers. After all, any future consequences of their kick-the-can-down-the-road approach can be dealt with later … in the future.”
Johnson said that investors and analysts should brace themselves for any farts that erupt during the Fed’s scheduled September meeting. She also said there’s no reason to doubt the Fed is up to the task.
“America is the freest country in the world, a republic governed by the rule of law in which citizens choose their heads of state though an open and public process in which every person has an equal say,” she said. “So it only makes sense that its monetary policy is set by a cloistered group of non-elected officials in a clandestine meeting behind closed doors with no Congressional oversight.”