‘I could write these things!’

The Statue of Liberty

My relative has an annoying habit of predicting the outcome of every movie he watches — often with hilarious results. In his prediction for “Titanic,” for example, Jack and Rose sail to America and go their separate ways. “I could have written the script for the son of a bitch!” he exclaimed. 

I have a relative who likes to forecast the outcome of every movie he watches.

“It’s so predictable!” he’ll blurt, standing and screaming at the TV. “I could write these things!”

The problem is, he’s always 100 percent wrong.

Take Titanic, for example. Years ago, we rented it on VHS and watched it as a family.

“I know exactly what’s going to happen,” my relative said, pausing the tape so he could rise and make a speech. “They’re going to sail to America, and Jack and Rose are going to go their separate ways. And then Rose will divorce Billy Zane and take all his money, and then her and Jack will get back together later in life, when they’re both old.

“Am I right, or am I right?” he said. “What a formulaic, paint-by-numbers script. I could write these things!”

And then we all watched as the Titanic sank and Jack froze to death in the freezing-cold Atlantic.

“Hmm,” my relative said.

The same thing with The Shawshank Redemption.

“I know exactly what’s going to happen,” my relative said. “Tim Robbins is going to be proven innocent, so he’s going to get out of prison and dedicate the rest of his life to proving that Red was innocent, too. Only Red’s going to die in prison, so Tim Robbins will have to seek out his family and explain how Red was a good guy after all. And then it will end with Tim Robbins marrying Red’s ex-wife.

“Am I right, or am I right?” he said.

Having seen the movie before, all I could say was, “Um.”

But my relative didn’t stop there. Instead, he leapt from the couch to deliver a speech:

“I’m tired of these predictable storylines,” he said, raising a finger in the air. “There’s no originality in Hollywood. They just regurgitate the same stupid plot over and over. I never feel any suspense, because I always know what’s going to happen next.”

Not surprisingly, he concluded his rousing oration by proclaiming, “I could write these things!”

“Why don’t you and make us some money?” his wife asked.

“I think I will!” he said. “Obviously, writing screenplays doesn’t take any imagination at all. Am I right, or am I right?”

We resumed the movie and watched as Tim Robbins’s character escaped from prison by tunneling a hole through the wall. Red then got paroled and went to join Robbins in Mexico.

“Hmm,” my relative said.

Not long ago, we all sat down to watch The Sixth Sense. It came out back in 1999, but my relative was going to see it for the first time.

“I know exactly what’s going to happen,” he said, pausing the movie and jumping up to make a speech.

“Oh no,” I said, burying my head in my hands.

“Oh yes!” he said, raising a finger in the air. “I could write these things!”

Spoiler alert: He was 100 percent wrong.

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16 thoughts on “‘I could write these things!’

    1. Allen Post author

      Exactly. The type of person who not only rants, but who spends the entirety of “The Usual Suspects” trying to identify Keyser Soze … and not even coming close.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Allen Post author

        Worse. He fell asleep halfway through, then woke up at the end and said, “Boy, that was a stupid movie. Nothing made sense.” I had to explain that to understand the plot, you have to, like, be awake and stuff.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Allen Post author

        I once tried to explain that an integral part of the moviegoing experience is following the plot and the character interaction … but my lecture only lulled him to sleep faster.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Allen Post author

        That’s a great idea. Movies are much more enjoyable when they’re not interrupted by inaccurate plot predictions. A clairvoyant with a crystal ball, he’s definitely not.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. BunKaryudo

    I suppose the only good point is that he is so consistently wrong. I have a colleague at work who doesn’t predict anything but instead, he watches movies and then says things like, “Oh, you have to see it. I tell you, it’s so heartbreaking when she dies at the end.”

    By the way, I think Keyser Soze is the police detective. His cover was so good even he didn’t know who he was.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Allen Post author

      I love people who do that. They convince you to see a new movie, and then they spend 45 minutes discussing the plot in excruciating detail. It’s like an audiobook you never wanted and didn’t ask for that plays itself against your will.

      You might be right about Keyser Soze. At the end of the movie, I didn’t care who Keyser Soze was. All I wanted was for them to stop saying “Keyser Soze” over and over again.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. BunKaryudo

        Yes, an audio book that follows you when you say you’re going for lunch and chases you down the corridor.

        As for my Keyser Soze theory, it was just the best I could come up with by the end of the movie since trying to follow the plot had fried most of my brain circuitry.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Allen Post author

      I tried, but he said “Monty Python? I don’t want to watch anything with pythons — especially not after seeing ‘Snakes on a Plane.'”

      Sigh.

      Like

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