Toe the company line, get a door closed in your face

Corporate WayMy boss approached me as I was painting a white line in the office parking lot.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Painting a white line in the office parking lot,” I said, setting down my bucket.

“I can see that,” she said. “May I ask why?”

“I’m establishing a boundary.” I dipped my brush in the bucket and continued painting.

“A boundary?” She narrowed her eyes.

“Yeah. See, there’s a question of when it’s appropriate to hold the door open for someone, and when it’s appropriate to let it close.”

She crossed her arms. “Explain.”

“Well,” I explained, “say you’re exiting the building, and a fellow employee is crossing the parking lot toward you. Your first instinct would be to hold open the door — correct?”

“Of course,” my boss said, nodding. “Politeness fosters positive employee relations.”

“But it’s not always appropriate to hold open the door,” I said. “Depending on the approaching employee’s proximity, it’s sometimes better to let the door fall shut.”

My boss frowned. “Give me an example of such an unlikely occurrence.”

“Well, say the employee is a ways off, yet you’re standing there holding the door open. The employee will feel awkward, and so they’re going to sprint forward so you won’t have to wait.”

“This is a problem?” my boss asked.

“It’s a big problem, especially if the employee is wearing heels. They might trip and fall and scrape themselves. And then the company would be expensed with scrubbing a bloodstain off the asphalt.”

“Noted, and good point. We can’t be incurring unnecessary expenses.”

“And so the question remains,” I said. “When do you stand and hold open the door, and when do you let it fall closed? Until now, the decision has been left to individual discretion.”

“Hence the line?”

“Hence the line, yes. If you’re coming out the door, and a person is on the far side of the line, then you can let the door swing closed and proceed. But if they’re on the near side of the line, then propriety obligates you to hold open the door.”

“And how did you determine the placement of the line?”

“There was some complex mathematics involved,” I said. “Geometry, algebra, advanced thermodynamics. The equations wouldn’t interest you.”

“So let me get this straight,” my boss said. “If I’m walking toward the building, and I’m on the far side of the line, then you’re absolved from having to hold open the door?”

“Precisely. And if you’re on the side closest to the building, then I’d be obligated to hold the door open.”

“What prompted this analysis?” my boss asked.

“Two distinct events,” I said. “In the first event, I arrived at work and opened the door with my fob. A female employee had exited her car and was walking toward me. Because she was across the parking lot, I ascertained that she was far enough away that holding the door was unnecessary. So I let it close behind me and proceeded to my desk.

“The employee later confronted me and said I was rude for not holding the door. She had misplaced her fob and couldn’t get inside, and so she had to call Facilities.

“In the second event,” I continued, “the converse occurred. I was exiting the building, and a high-ranking executive was approaching the doorway. Even though he was relatively far from the entrance, I stood and held open the door. Naturally, I wanted to leave a good impression.”

“Understandable,” my boss said.

“The executive saw me standing there, so he burst into a sprint to reach the door faster. And instead of a ‘thank-you,’ he said in a very sardonic tone: ‘What are you, the new doorman? If we needed something to prop the door open, we could just use a rock.’ And then he brushed past me and tromped into the building.”

My boss frowned. “Such impudence was uncalled for.”

“My sentiments exactly. And so you can see how I made the wrong decision on two separate occasions. In one I let the door close, and in the other I held it open. Yet in both instances, I was unjustly rebuked.”

“So you identified a problem and determined a solution.”

“Exactly. Now that we have a line, I can gauge when to hold the door, and when to let it close.”

“This is why you’re an integral member of the organization,” my boss said. “Can you please stop by my office later this morning? We’ll need to discuss your immediate salary increase.”

“Another one? Very well,” I said, wiping my paint-speckled hands on my dress pants.

Together, we walked toward the building. My boss opened the door and walked inside.

“Wait!” someone called. “Hold the door!”

I turned to see the CEO scampering across the parking lot.

“Sorry,” I called back. “You’re on the far side of the line.”

And I let the door slam shut behind me.

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “Toe the company line, get a door closed in your face

  1. BunKaryudo

    This is sheer genius. I want a line too. I could wait until my boss was just about to cross it and then hurriedly slam the door shut while laughing maniacally. With a line to point to, there could be no possible sanction against me.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. BunKaryudo

        That’s very true. I hope my wife gets me a line for my birthday. Our parking lot is very small, though, so she’ll have to make sure she doesn’t get me a line that’s too long.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Allen Post author

      No worries — I’ll still hold the door open for you if I see you.

      That is, if you’re on the near side on the line. 😉

      Like

      1. Allen Post author

        You’re right, Paul — I’ll always pause to hold open the door.

        Unless, of course, I detect the heavenly odor of doughnuts wafting from the break room. Then it’s every person for themselves.

        Like

      2. In My Cluttered Attic

        No wonder there were only donut holes left by the time I made it to the break room. After I caught a whiff of the donuts, no plate glass could hold me. But the hundreds of employees climbing over one another on the stairwell, and numerous employees sandwiched in the elevators, impeded my progress and thus, that dozen became history.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Flop til you drop "FTYD"

    Sheer genius. So simple, yet no one else has brought this idea into fruition.

    I detest feeling I have to RUN or I’m being rude…because some fool decided to hold the door open when I’m far away… I don’t want to be rude, so I start trotting. (I have big boobs, I don’t like extra jiggle) I do this when I’m crossing the parking lot to the shopping center too… if someone actually stops to allow me to cross, well I’m not going to dilly-dally. I move it! I almost rather they didn’t wait, since no one else does…and then I don’t have to worry about extra wiggle-jiggle.

    Painted lines seem so logical. Thus, no one gets upset with one another. Clearly, you were on one side. But then, some fool will F it up – like a 4 way stop sign. Are you going or am I going? I’m going…oh, wait, you’re going… wait we’re both stopped. Okay who’s going? Thanks to the idiot not knowing the driving laws to screw everyone up…and then they honk in frustration at you!

    In your scenario, what if they are right on the line “exactly” no behind or in front of, but right on the line?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Allen Post author

      That’s the worst part, when you’re a quarter-mile away from the door, and some Dudley Do-Right is standing there holding it open, with his Boy Scout demeanor and too-friendly grin, and you have to burst into a sprint so he won’t have to stand there. The theme from “Chariots of Fire” plays as you make an epic dash to the entrance. And then you have to thank him profusely for his unsolicited kindness, even though you’re secretly rolling your eyes.

      If someone happens to be standing right on the line as you’re walking inside, then I might leave that to individual discretion. If it were me, I’d err on the side of caution and let the door slam shut. That way, you’re not faced with the awkward and uncomfortable situation of having to converse with someone as you walk down the hall to your desk. Human interaction can be excruciating, especially before work’s even started.

      Like

Comments are closed.