The kind that produce gas

man and woman on date in dinerI like to conclude a romantic evening with a beautiful woman by reaching across the table, taking her hand, and extolling the many virtues of beneficial gut bacteria.

It’s not often I get a second date.

Actually, I’m not even a big proponent of probiotics. Not anymore. I took them regularly for a few years, guzzling the little buggers before every meal and championing their magnificence as if I were Dr. Oz.

But there are so many different strains — so many brands and varieties — that my microflora mastery is quickly degenerating to obsolescence.

So no longer do I extol the virtues of beneficial gut bacteria.

Instead, I reach across the table, take my date’s hand, and urge her to research the subject herself.

It’s still not often I get a second date. But I can tell I’ve given her something to think about, even as she’s dashing in a panic for the restaurant door.

After all, the scientific literature regarding the safety and effectiveness of probiotics is quite extensive.

At least, I assume it is. I wouldn’t know. Everything I know about probiotics, I learned from the Internet (as well as how to self-diagnose on WebMD):

  • Some probiotics inhabit the small intestine while others inhabit the large.
  • Some work best with others; others work best alone.
  • Some slim the stomach while others cause gas and bloating. (Try not to confuse the two before a big date. I’m speaking from experience, here.)
  • Some should be stored at room temperature while others are best kept cold.

I guess it’s not the best dessert conversation — at least judging from the looks I get. I admit, the mental image of microorganisms surging through your digestive tract (and we’re talking billions and billions of them, here), is a little unsettling.

But they say dating is a learning experience, and if I can impart some of my wisdom over cheesecake and coffee, then I feel I’ve served humanity.

Of course, the dates always end soon after — and often, the women insist on driving themselves home.

Which is understandable … considering that earlier in the evening, I confused my waist-trimming probiotics with the gas-producing variety.


15 thoughts on “The kind that produce gas

    1. Colane Conundrum Post author

      Come to find out, it’s not advisable to launch into a detailed discussion of the digestive process as your lunch companion is trying to eat their food. Not the best way to break the ice.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Colane Conundrum Post author

      I’d like to think that story includes an awesome guy with unparalleled knowledge of the digestive process — a guy she’d love to see again … but because she won’t return my calls, I’m guessing not.


  1. Jason

    It sure would take guts to bring up this subject during dinner.. From what I’ve seen recently in the science / general press, the tide is turning against the probiotics trend. Been a few stories recently that suggest they do very little good and are probably a waste of money. You could always try the gluten free, low carb, low protein paleo-fruitarian-water diet. It may do bugger-all for your digestive health, but it would at least be a talking point during dates..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Colane Conundrum Post author

      I’ve been hearing the same thing about probiotics. And with all the different strains out there, it’s hard to know which one you’re supposed to take and when. So then I got one of those super probiotic pills that has 50 different strains and 100 billion live cells per capsule.

      Not a good idea, in retrospect.

      The gluten free, low carb, low protein paleo-fruitarian-water diet would make an awesome talking point during a first date. (The paleo-fruitarian-water also sounds like an inexpensive option, which is great for a cheapskate — er, frugal person like me.)

      Liked by 1 person

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