The kind that produce gas

man and woman on date in dinerI like to conclude a romantic evening with a beautiful woman by reaching across the table, taking her hand, and extolling the many virtues of beneficial gut bacteria.

It’s not often I get a second date.

Actually, I’m not even a big proponent of probiotics. Not anymore. I took them regularly for a few years, guzzling the little buggers before every meal and championing their magnificence as if I were Dr. Oz.

But there are so many different strains — so many brands and varieties — that my microflora mastery is quickly degenerating to obsolescence.

So no longer do I extol the virtues of beneficial gut bacteria.

Instead, I reach across the table, take my date’s hand, and urge her to research the subject herself.

It’s still not often I get a second date. But I can tell I’ve given her something to think about, even as she’s dashing in a panic for the restaurant door.

After all, the scientific literature regarding the safety and effectiveness of probiotics is quite extensive.

At least, I assume it is. I wouldn’t know. Everything I know about probiotics, I learned from the Internet (as well as how to self-diagnose on WebMD):

  • Some probiotics inhabit the small intestine while others inhabit the large.
  • Some work best with others; others work best alone.
  • Some slim the stomach while others cause gas and bloating. (Try not to confuse the two before a big date. I’m speaking from experience, here.)
  • Some should be stored at room temperature while others are best kept cold.

I guess it’s not the best dessert conversation — at least judging from the looks I get. I admit, the mental image of microorganisms surging through your digestive tract (and we’re talking billions and billions of them, here), is a little unsettling.

But they say dating is a learning experience, and if I can impart some of my wisdom over cheesecake and coffee, then I feel I’ve served humanity.

Of course, the dates always end soon after — and often, the women insist on driving themselves home.

Which is understandable … considering that earlier in the evening, I confused my waist-trimming probiotics with the gas-producing variety.

15 comments on “The kind that produce gas

  1. Um, yeah, microorganisms surging through my digestive tract would be just a tad unsettling hahaha.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Perhaps a good repertoire of fart jokes might help?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well, at least it’s an interesting story for her friends. We do like those.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’d like to think that story includes an awesome guy with unparalleled knowledge of the digestive process — a guy she’d love to see again … but because she won’t return my calls, I’m guessing not.


  4. you’re good about making mundane life chuckle-worthy!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Well, No wonder we’ve never dated! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It sure would take guts to bring up this subject during dinner.. From what I’ve seen recently in the science / general press, the tide is turning against the probiotics trend. Been a few stories recently that suggest they do very little good and are probably a waste of money. You could always try the gluten free, low carb, low protein paleo-fruitarian-water diet. It may do bugger-all for your digestive health, but it would at least be a talking point during dates..

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve been hearing the same thing about probiotics. And with all the different strains out there, it’s hard to know which one you’re supposed to take and when. So then I got one of those super probiotic pills that has 50 different strains and 100 billion live cells per capsule.

      Not a good idea, in retrospect.

      The gluten free, low carb, low protein paleo-fruitarian-water diet would make an awesome talking point during a first date. (The paleo-fruitarian-water also sounds like an inexpensive option, which is great for a cheapskate — er, frugal person like me.)

      Liked by 1 person

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