I didn’t buy a dishwasher to wash dishes by hand 

Expensive kitchen knives with wood handles

Because if they’re not, then they’re useless to me. Sorry.

My friend, Hannah, bought me a set of wooden-handled kitchen knives for my birthday. (This is the same friend who bought me a brick-sized bar of soap for my last birthday.)

“Oh, wow,” I said, unwrapping the box.

“What do you think?” she asked. “They’re wooden-handled kitchen knives.”

“I can see that,” I said. “They’re very nice. Thank you.”

“The wood’s a very high quality, and it has a nice finish.”

“Very nice, yes. Thank you.”

“They’re much better than the cheesy plastic-handled knives you currently use.”

“I’m sure they are,” I said. “Again, thank you.”

Hannah frowned. “You don’t like them, do you?”

“I didn’t say that,” I said, studying the box. “I said I liked them very much.”

“You never said you liked them very much. You didn’t say anything. That’s why I’m wondering if you like them.”

“I do like them,” I said. “I thought I said that I liked them.”

“No. You never said that you liked them.”

“Well, I’m sorry about that. I do like them. I do.”

Hannah frowned. “You don’t like them. I can tell.”

“I never said I didn’t like them.”

“You don’t seem too thrilled about them.”

“Well….” I let my voice trail off as I continued to study the box.

“Well, what? What don’t you like about them?”

I sighed, setting the box in my lap. “It doesn’t say on the box that they’re dishwasher-safe.”

“They’re not supposed to be dishwasher-safe. They’re wooden-handled knives.”

“Right.”

“Wood isn’t supposed to go in the dishwasher. The nice finish will get ruined.”

“Exactly.”

“So,” Hannah said, “you won’t be able to put them in the dishwasher. You’ll have to wash them by hand.”

I sighed. “Yeah.

Hannah grimaced. “Something wrong?”

“Well,” I said, “that’s just the thing. I don’t like to wash stuff by hand. That’s why I bought a dishwasher.”

“It’s not a big deal to wash stuff by hand. I do it all the time with my wooden salad bowl.”

“I hate to wash stuff by hand. That’s why I have a dishwasher. That’s also why I don’t have a wooden salad bowl.”

“You don’t have a salad bowl, period,” Hannah said.

“That’s not true. I do have a salad bowl. But it’s not made out of wood, so I’m able to put it in the dishwasher.”

“I’ve never seen you make salad in your salad bowl.”

“That’s because I don’t use it to make salad. I use it to put popcorn in.”

Hannah glared. “Then it’s a popcorn bowl.”

“No,” I said, “it’s a salad bowl. I’m positive, because my ex-girlfriend bought it at Macy’s when we were looking for hiking boots.”

“Why did she buy a salad bowl if you were shopping for hiking boots?”

“Because we had to walk past the salad bowls to get to the boots section.”

“So you don’t want the knives?” Hannah asked, folding her arms. “Is that what you’re saying?”

“I’m confused,” I said, frowning. “I thought we were talking about hiking boots?”

“We’re talking about the expensive knife set I bought you that you don’t seem to appreciate.”

“They’re very nice knives,” I said. “And I already told you I liked them.”

“You never said that you liked them. That’s what started this whole conversation. I can tell you don’t like them because of the way you’re looking at the box.”

I shrugged. “I didn’t realize I was looking at the box weird.”

“Well, you were. You were practically glowering at it.”

“I wasn’t glowering at it. I was just trying to read the small print. I was trying to see if the knives were dishwasher-safe.”

“They’re wooden knives! Why would they be dishwasher safe?”

“That’s what I was trying to determine.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with the knives,” Hannah said. “They’re better than the ones you have now, with those cheesy plastic handles.”

“Those cheesy plastic handles can go in the dishwasher.”

“If you don’t like the knives, then I’ll just take them back.”

“Don’t take them back. I like them. They’re better than the ones I have now.”

“You like the ones you have now better! You just said so! The ones you have now can go in the dishwasher!”

“That’s why I like them.”

“Just give me back the knives,” Hannah said. “I’ll take them to the store and return them.”

“Where did you get them?”

“Macy’s.”

“I like Macy’s. I’ll go with you when you return the knives.”

“Why would you want to go with me to Macy’s?”

“So I can pick up some hiking boots.”

Hannah motioned to the box. “Hand me those knives. Now.”

“What do you want the knives for?”

“Because I’m going to frickin’ stab you,” Hannah said, her nostrils flared.

“But it’s my birthday!”

“And it’s going to be your last,” Hannah said, with spittle frothing at her mouth and deranged intentions flickering behind her eyes. “Now hand them over.”

“You know,” I said, “the next time you’re thinking of gift ideas for me, a pair of leather hiking boots would be much more preferred.”

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16 thoughts on “I didn’t buy a dishwasher to wash dishes by hand 

    1. Colane Conundrum Post author

      Truth be told, I haven’t actually used them yet. Hiking is one of those ideas that sounds good in theory, but is miserable in practice.

      Sort of like exercise in general. 😉

      Like

  1. In My Cluttered Attic

    Unfortunately (back in ancient Reno), Allenistotle’s persuasive rhetoric fell upon deaf ears (namely, the goddess, Hannah), and thus his oratorical skills betrayed him that day. It turned out, that the beautifully crafted Macy*s Wooden Handled Knives became Allenistotle’s Achilles heel, and his Logos was of no use to him. Unlike in Homer’s lliad, Allenistotle was not about to be honored for his praise, but instead, ripped asunder by the razor-like teeth at the edge of the serrated blades resting in the hands of Hanna (goddess of knives—at least, for that day anyway). So pupils, what might we learn from this sad and gory fable? That you best not dilly dally when it comes to heaping praise on a maiden for a gift, but SING OUT and without hesitation “Thanks sweetie, for these are the BIGGEST, BESTEST WOODEN HANDLED KNIVES FROM MACY*S anyone ever gave me! And be sure to say anyone, and not goddess, for that might suggest the possibility of a less than similar gift of some cheap $19.99 priced Wooden Handled Knives being bestowed upon you from some other goddess of knives, but purchased from a WalMart instead. The moral of this story being: The Goddess Hannah’s gift of knives were indeed… a cut above.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bun Karyudo

    You should definitely try to get her to buy you hiking boots instead of knives. It isn’t easy to stab someone using hiking boots. She’d have to jump up and down on you to do you any real damage, and that would take a while, giving you a fighting chance to escape. Of course, you’d have to escape barefoot since she’d be wearing your boots.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Gail

    I’m weird. I actually like washing dishes. My husband hates it, so we’ve ordered a dishwasher. I’ll probably blog about our tug of war soon after it’s delivered.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Colane Conundrum Post author

      Gail, I have to admit, I’m a little concerned. I didn’t think it was physically or emotionally possible for a person to enjoy washing dishes. It just can’t be! That’s like enjoying a tooth extraction, or having bamboo shoots jammed under your fingernails! I can think of no plight more terrifying or horrific than having to wash dishes by hand.

      Some might argue that the invention of the wheel forever changed the direction of the human race, but I think it’s dishwashers that took us out of the stone age. When I was a younger man, scraping baked-on macaroni-and-cheese from my chipped dishes, I could only dream about a day when I could afford an apartment that had a dishwasher (as well as fewer cockroaches).

      And someday, I’ll find that apartment!

      I’m looking forward to reading your post! I’ll keep an eye out. 🙂

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      1. Gail

        My new dishwasher is being delivered today, so you’ll hear from me soon. If I hate it, I’ll have to seek out a psychologist that specializes in dishwasherosis. If there is no cure, this may “Cascade” into other issues such as whether this condition is grounds for divorce, and who gets custody of our little cups and saucers.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Colane Conundrum Post author

        I hope that the dishwasherosis doesn’t send your life into a bad rinse cycle — or worse, down the disposal! You know you need help when you’re seeing spots … especially when they’re on your plates and silverware. 😄

        Liked by 1 person

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