The incessant whining of House Hunters couples

House Hunters RenovationIf I were a masochist, I might reach out and flush the toilet while showering.

Or, I could stick my hand in a beehive and pluck off a chunk of honeycomb.

Or, easier yet, I could simply watch a marathon of House Hunters reruns over the weekend.

Talk about excruciating agony.

If you’ve read this post or this post — or this post or this post — you’re probably aware that I watch a lot of House Hunters. I’m not sure why. I didn’t think I was a masochist, but I have to admit, I get a certain thrill watching spoiled brats looking at gargantuan houses they can’t afford.

These homebuyers often are in their early twenties, but they’re always looking at 4,000-square-foot McMansions on 20 acres with cobblestone driveways and Olympic-sized swimming pools. (When I was in my early twenties, I was living in a firetrap hovel, eating Top Ramen, and pursuing a degree that wouldn’t help me at all in my professional career. Because I’m forward-thinking like that.)

What’s more, these people are incessantly whining about everything.

And I mean everything. For these people, every minor cosmetic feature is an endless source of insurmountable frustration.

“The countertops are granite, but they should be quartz,” they moan.

“The floors are laminate, but they should be hardwood,” they bellyache.

“The bathroom has a step-in shower, but not a jetted tub,” they sniff.

“Shut up!” I scream, throwing an empty bowl of Top Ramen at the TV. “You whiny entitled scumbags! You don’t deserve a house! Shut up!”

The show has a spin-off titled House Hunters Renovation, where the pampered jerks not only pick out a house to buy, but renovate it as well.

This version is almost harder to stomach, because instead of the people simply whining about inconsequential cosmetic features, we get to see them spend good money to replace those features – even if they’re perfectly adequate.

And they all use the same terms when describing their plans.

For example, a beautiful kitchen with oak cabinets and a tile backsplash must be “gutted” so that the finishes can be updated.

A random wall must be “blown out” to make a living space larger. (And guaranteed, that wall will be load-bearing and require the installation of a $3,000 beam. I’ve watched enough of these things to predict the storyline.)

A bedroom with a walk-in closet must be “reconfigured” to include a reading nook.

Money never seems to be an issue for these narcissistic scumbags. No expense is spared when renovating their precious high-dollar palaces.

A designer often joins the couple to plan the renovations. (Because who can’t afford to hire a designer when navigating the treacherous waters of the home-buying process?)

What’s amusing is that no matter what the designer’s taste or artistic sensibility (and there’s no guarantee they’ll even have an artistic sensibility, given how many of these people dress), they always design a kitchen with the same three features: shaker-style cabinets, subway tile, and a barn door.

Seriously. It’s all the time — on every episode. Shaker-style cabinets, subway tile, and a barn door.

The homeowners claim they’re updating the fixtures to make them more modern. Oak and granite are apparently out, and it would be inhumane for a homeowner to have to tolerate a popcorn ceiling or laminate floor. The outrage!

But my question is, what are these people going to do when shaker-style cabinets, subway tile, and barn doors go out of style?

Because you know it’s going to happen – and probably sooner rather than later. You know that someday these people are going to list their homes with goal of upgrading to an even more luxurious McMansion. What are they going to say when potential buyers scoff at their outdated design elements?

It’s a harrowing question to ponder.

What’s even more baffling is that many of these people complain about living in cookie-cutter homes and planned-unit developments, because they want their houses to be “unique” and to have “character.”

Yet when they renovate their kitchens, they insist in using the same modern-day design elements as everyone else.

It reminds me of Cheech and Chong discussing uniforms for their band: “If we’re going to wear uniforms, then everyone should wear something different.”

Except it’s the reverse: “I want to live in a unique house with character that looks like everyone else’s.”

As for me, buying a house is currently out of the question, given the sky-high prices. Besides, many of those homes have popcorn ceilings and oak cabinets, and my years of devouring Top Ramen and pursuing a worthless degree have entitled me to enjoy the finer things in life.

If I did buy a house, I’d clearly have to renovate it. The first project I’d tackle is adding shaker-style cabinets to the kitchen.

But then again, maybe I should consider remodeling the master bathroom. Given my rampant binge-watching of House Hunters, I might be better off flushing the toilet while showering.

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19 thoughts on “The incessant whining of House Hunters couples

  1. cigarshapedjohn

    Thanks for the laughs. I watched a few of these type of shows and you are spot on. The Cheech and Chong quote: “If we’re going to wear uniforms, then everyone should wear something different” had me laughing out loud.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Colane Conundrum Post author

      Thanks for reading! Yeah, I’m always baffled by these people who want a home that reflects their own, unique style — so they design it to conform to what everyone else is doing.

      Like

  2. Sheila Moss

    Boy, you are so right. I used to watch HGTV thinking I could pick up ideas. Unless I want to put in a kitchen island, French doors, and granite countertops, I might as well forget it. And I hate this open floor plan stuff. I don’t want people to see the dirty dishes from the living room. Did you ever notice that they are spending all that money to remodel houses that are hideous on the outside?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Colane Conundrum Post author

      That seems to be the conventional wisdom these days: find the ugliest street on the block and … remodel the interior.

      And I don’t understand why everything has to be open-concept. The homeowners aren’t happy unless they’re tearing out load-bearing walls. “I won’t be satisfied until I can see the kitchen from the master bathroom!”

      Maybe it’s a regression to the past. The pioneers all lived in one-room cabins, but I’m not sure if they enjoyed it. Moving into a structure with more than one room used to be a demonstration of status. Now, everyone wants a one-room cabin again — but only as long as it’s 4,000 square feet with quartz countertops.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Musings from a Tangled Mind

    The ones I hate the worst are on the show Beachfront Bargain Hunt looking for a cheap beach house in various parts of the world…except their version of cheap is having $400,000 to spend and often it’s for a SECOND home to begin with. On one episode, the couple couldn’t make up their mind, so they bought two in the same town but in different areas — so they’d both have the “view” they wanted. Seriously. The view. Another is House Hunters International. Both shows and the people on them try my last nerve. If I hear one more couple exclaim that the bathroom is “simply too small,” I think I’ll explode.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Colane Conundrum Post author

      I think I saw that episode of Beachfront Bargain Hunters you’re talking about! A co-worker told me about it and said “You’re never going to believe the new episode. These people actually buy both houses.” I didn’t know a house-hunting show could make me feel physically ill, but that one did.

      It’s the same thing on Log Cabin Living. I thought it would be about people buying rustic log cabins with maybe two rooms and a small kitchen. That’s what leaps to mind when I hear the term “log cabin.”

      But their definition of “log cabin” is a 5,000-square-foot monstrosity on 30 acres with 17 bedrooms and 14 baths. And it’s always their second home. They say they need the vacation home to get away from the city and closer to nature — but then they demand that the home have a built-in theater and indoor pool.

      And here I thought getting closer to nature actually meant venturing outside.

      Like

  4. sportsattitudes

    The finer things in life don’t sound like they are covered in these shows. Here’s to Ramen and worthless degrees. They’re priceless. (Based on your summary I continue to be pleased I haven’t fallen for watching these…yet…)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Colane Conundrum Post author

      You’re lucky. I hope you don’t get sucked into countless weekends of House Hunters binge-watching like I have. I start to get the shakes if I go a day without seeing someone sneer at outdated light fixtures.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. onyajay

    Actually you don’t have to watch House Hunters to hear the whining… and it’s not unique to your neck of the woods either. Here in Australia I hear people bitching about their horrible 1985 home (mine was built in 1959), it’s awful grey colour (mine is red brick!), how they’re putting up with the shocking kitchen (mine is wooden and laminate and it was second hand when WE got it in about 2000).
    You right a very funny, very observant post. Right up my alley. I look forward to reading backwards through your other ones. I’m a new follower… perhaps you’d like a look at one of mine…
    https://onyajay.wordpress.com/2016/12/18/teach-your-child-to-drive/
    or
    https://onyajay.wordpress.com/2017/01/24/baby-fart/
    hope you end up laughing too, just like I laughed at yours. Great work!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Colane Conundrum Post author

      It’s good to know that whiny house hunters aren’t unique to the U.S. It’s to the point now where I don’t even watch those shows to see the homes — I just want to hear the people complain. That’s by far the most entertaining aspect.

      I appreciate your reading, and I’ll definitely look forward to checking out your blog, too! Thank you for the nice comments!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Bun Karyudo

    I was devastated when it turned out my apartment didn’t have a reading nook. As if that wasn’t hard enough to bear, we also discovered that there was no view of the ocean from our balcony. I’ve sent an angry letter to the company that sold us the apartment asking why they didn’t demolish all buildings in the thirty miles or so between us the ocean and then have the coastline extended to right underneath our window, but so far they haven’t responded. The lack of customer service these days is truly awful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Colane Conundrum Post author

      What a repulsive case of real-estate malpractice! I suppose the apartment didn’t come with an indoor sauna, either! How dare they subject people to such inhumane living conditions.

      I hope you can find a way to get your money back.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Kat

    Hahahaha. I can’t take the whining as well, as well as the producer pushed dialogue that’s clearly been shot 6 times already. This is like me with Say Yes to the Dress. I hate that show and every spoiled, puppy-love-sick bride that’s ever been on it with a passion, and yet I’ve seen probably 500 episodes

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Colane Conundrum Post author

      That’s what’s weird: I know it’s staged, and I know the couples are told to make obnoxious comments, but I still love to hate them.

      In fact, the more I hate the show, the more I want to watch it.

      Those evil geniuses pulling the strings at HGTV headquarters sure know what they’re doing. I can picture them counting all their advertising dollars while laughing manically and plotting future productions.

      Like

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