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Anything you can do, a computer can do better

Technology in the Workplace

It’s quite the confidence booster to discover that a flash drive can do your job.

My boss called me into his office the other day.

“Take a seat,” he said. “I’ve got big news.”

My heart jumped. “Is it about that promotion I’ve been asking for?”

“Not exactly,” he said, sinking into his chair. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go.”

“Oh.” I looked down. “This doesn’t bode well for my future with the company. And here I thought I was an up-and-comer.”

“It’s not your fault,” my boss said. “It’s just that we’re replacing you with cheaper labor.”

“You mean you actually found someone who’s willing to work for less than me? I didn’t know Bob Cratchit was in the job market.”

My boss pointed to a metal rectangle sitting beside his computer. “Meet Arnie the Artificial Intelligence. He’s the new you.”

I frowned. “It looks like a flash drive.”

“Essentially, that’s what he is. Once we plug him into the mainframe, he’ll start doing your job right away. Best of all, he doesn’t need bathroom breaks, and he’s not known for complaining.”

“So he’s a mindless robot? It sounds like he’ll fit in fantastically with the team.”

“I hope you’re not angry,” my boss said. “You have to understand that AI is the latest trend. Everyone’s doing it. Flesh-and-blood humans cost too much to employ. Plus, they have unreasonable expectations, such as making a living wage.”

“Of course,” I said. “And not only that, but I’m sure he excels at meaningless, repetitive tasks, too.”

My boss shrugged. “What can I say? We live in an economy where human beings no longer matter. Computers can perform every conceivable, modern-day job.”

“You mean like posting cat pictures to social media?” I asked.

“Precisely. That pretty much describes every conceivable, modern-day job. Everybody’s a social-media strategist these days, but once AI takes over, labor costs will go down dramatically.”

“Does Arnie have a college degree in journalism?” I asked. “Does he have sound writing skills?”

“Oh, Colane,” my boss said, “you know that writing doesn’t matter anymore. Nobody reads. Besides, everyone communicates these days using acronyms and emojis, and Arnie has thousands of them in his language database.”

“Well,” I said, “it’s comforting to know that human expression has been reduced to a handful of smiley-face emoticons and a pile of shit with eyes. Shakespeare would be proud.”

My boss shrugged. “Time marches on. The old ways eventually die. You can bet that had Netflix existed during the Great Depression, John Boy Walton never would have wasted all that time writing in his room. The whole family would have been too busy binge-watching ‘Game of Thrones.’ With all that entertainment, they probably wouldn’t have been so depressed.”

“What about my other skills?” I asked. “I excelled at critical thinking in school. I have amazing logic.”

My boss pointed at the flash drive. “You know who else excels at logic? Arnie. He’s a computer.”

“Fine,” I said. “So this is it? Seriously? Just like that, you’re going to replace me with a robot?”

“Exactly,” my boss said, patting me on the shoulder. “With your logical mind, I’d knew you’d understand.”

“But what if the worst happens?” I asked. “What if Arnie becomes self-aware and decides to take over your job, and then the CEO position, and then the world?”

“Well,” my boss said, shrugging, “I guess I’d have to give him points for ambition. Lord knows this company needs more up-and-comers.”

“I’ll see myself out,” I said. 

2 comments on “Anything you can do, a computer can do better

  1. I told Honey the other day that we are really falling behind in technology. We don’t even have Alexa.

    Liked by 1 person

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