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The only thing I’m looking to enlarge is my audience, thank you

The only thing I'm looking to enlarge is my audience, thank you“So I was reading your blog yesterday,” said my friend, Helen, “and I noticed that the ads were gone. You must have paid extra to have them removed.”

I nodded. “Yeah. They were getting a little intrusive. The final straw was when they posted three penis-enlargement ads on one page. I’m all for free enterprise, but I wish the medical community would focus on curing cancer instead of enlarging penises.”

“You’d think there’d be profit potential in curing cancer,” Helen said. “Right? If I was a venture capitalist, that’s an idea I could get behind. You could save lives, end needless suffering, and make a pile of money doing it.”

“Yeah, but priorities,” I said. “Impotent men need erections. It’s nice to have lofty ideals, but curing cancer apparently takes too much work.”

“Isn’t it a tad insulting that they wallpapered your website with penis-enlargement ads?” Helen asked. “I mean, what does that say about you and your content?”

I shrugged. “I’m not sure. Maybe their adbot read my self-deprecating humor and figured I had an inferiority complex. I may doubt my worth as a human being, but that’s no reason to impugn the length of my penis. They’re two very different things.”

“Right,” Helen said. “And besides that, you don’t even drive a big truck.” 

“I’m not a marketing professional, but I have to wonder what the click-through rate is for those ads,” I said. “I mean, that’s a very specific topic, and it seems more like something you’d search for deliberately, rather than randomly click on. Like when I’m reading a humor blog, I’m there looking for laughs — not for ways to extend my manhood. If one of those ads popped up, I’d have to be easily distracted to click on it. Talk about getting squirreled.” 

Helen laughed. “Exactly. Like, who reads a blog post about traffic, then sees a penis-enlargement ad and says, ‘Well, I guess I never thought about it before, but I do have a minuscule prick. Maybe clicking on this ad can help me.’ That’s more of a product you purposefully seek out, as opposed to an impulse buy.”

“Well, maybe not,” I said. “Maybe they should put those pills at the checkout counter, along with the gum and bottled water. They’re not something you think about when you’re buying groceries, but they could definitely be an afterthought when you’re waiting in line, thumbing through an issue of People. Like, ‘Well, I already got milk and eggs and peanut butter, but what I don’t have is a product that can elongate my johnson. Thank goodness the store thought to put these pills here in plain view.’”

“Well, don’t feel too bad about your website,” Helen said. “When I had a blog, it was covered with wight-loss ads. Apparently, the adbot combed through my content and concluded that I was a monstrous lard ass. Anybody reading my material obviously had to be morbidly obese and in the market for a physical transformation.”

“I just feel better being ad-free,” I said. “I’m tired of commercials telling us we’re too fat, too impotent, too poor, too hairy, too ugly. I don’t need anyone telling me all those things. That’s what my self-deprecating humor is for.” 

Helen smiled. “And the best part is, making yourself feel miserable doesn’t cost you a thing!” 

“Except, of course, for the yearly cost of the ad-free plan,” I said. “After all, when it comes to eliminating penis-enlargement ads, somebody has to get the short end of the stick.” 

One comment on “The only thing I’m looking to enlarge is my audience, thank you

  1. Maybe it says more about your readers than about you.

    Oh wait.

    Liked by 1 person

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