Fiction

Getting what you want out of life 

I was having a bad day at work, so I decided to treat myself to lunch at a diner. The waitress came over to take my order. “Can I get you a drink?” she asked. “Sure,” I said. “Can I have a Coke?” “Pepsi OK?” she asked, chewing on gum. I sighed. “Yeah. Pepsi’s fine.” […]

So my boss said to leave the report on his desk…

When I first got my new job, my boss, Steve, asked me to write a one-page report for the executive manager. “Be sure to send the report directly to me,” Steve said. “You don’t want me to send it to the executive manager?” I asked. “I don’t. I want to check it before he sees […]

Your dirty dishes are my problem

Dear Senior Leadership Team, Good morning. I’m writing to you today to express a grave concern. I’ve spent many sleepless nights debating whether to escalate this concern to senior management. As a result, my work performance has suffered, and I’ve ordered way too many useless gadgets from the Home Shopping Network. I feel I have […]

Attack of the time parasite

The time parasite is a wretched and despicable creature. They’re among the lowest form of scum imaginable (a true invertebrate with no noticeable backbone or useful purpose), and they often come with an overinflated sense of self worth and a graduate degree in business administration. The time parasite is a true bottom-feeding life form oozing […]

An under-appreciated office-dweller

“Thanks.” That was the extent of your e-mailed response: “Thanks.” I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I’m glad that you at least acknowledged my effort. But “Thanks”? That’s it? Not to sound entitled, but I think I deserve a little bit more. Did you see how quickly I acted upon your request? And did you […]

The catnip candy cane and the unimpressed cat

So I’m on the phone with my friend, Brenda. And she says, “You have a cat, don’t you? I thought I remembered you saying you have a cat.” “Yep,” I say, laughing. “I sure do. I am indeed the proud owner of a cat.” “Hey!” I look up to see my cat staring at me […]

Don’t throw garbage in there! That’s a decorative wastebasket

Roberta, I hope you’re having a good evening. Thank you so much for coming. I’ve been wanting to have you over to my apartment for quite a while. I also hope you enjoyed your dinner. Sorry I burned the fish sticks! I’m just not used to baking them in the oven. I usually use the […]

A calm, easygoing commute

As you might know, I have a demonstrated propensity for getting stuck behind monstrous, slow-moving trucks on my way to work. Today was no exception. I was already late, because I had stopped at the Jack in the Box drive-through to get a breakfast sandwich. I’d devoured it even before I reached the highway, and […]

A brick-sized bar of birthday soap

Dear Hannah, Thank you for the gargantuan bar of soap you bought me for my birthday. It’s the size of a brick. Literally — it’s the size and shape of a brick! Actually, I thought it was a brick before I unwrapped it. I was trying to figure out why you’d buy me a brick for […]

Uncertainty and panic at the bank drive-through

The drive-through window at the bank is a problem. Once I slip my deposit into the transparent plastic tube and press the “send” button to make it whoosh away, I’m not sure what to do with myself. I don’t want to face the bank window, because then the teller will think I’m scrutinizing her performance […]