Tag Archive | love

Ode to a bygone love

I’m wondering where you are tonight. I’ll tell you where I am. I’m in a smelly cab traveling through downtown, surrounded by a city that’s blinding me with neon and swallowing me whole. I’m leaning against the blotchy, fog-coated window, which feels like a sheet of ice against my flushed face and fevered cheeks. The […]

A party of one isn’t much of a party

It’s inadvisable to go out to dinner on Valentine’s Day if you don’t have a date. Common sense, you say? A nugget of knowledge so blatantly obvious that it need not be spoken? Perhaps. But unfortunately, I speak from experience. Unattached and dateless — and working at a new job in a new town — […]

Don’t throw garbage in there! That’s a decorative wastebasket

Roberta, I hope you’re having a good evening. Thank you so much for coming. I’ve been wanting to have you over to my apartment for quite a while. I also hope you enjoyed your dinner. Sorry I burned the fish sticks! I’m just not used to baking them in the oven. I usually use the […]

Sweet serenade in the moonlight

If you’re looking to serenade a special someone in the moonlight, it’s never advisable to bring a synthesizer. Trust me on this one. Even if it’s portable and uses four D batteries instead of an electrical cord, the hassle is sure to undermine your amorous intentions. First of all, you have the lug the oversized thing […]

‘This TV dinner tastes like shattered dreams and singledom’

I can read women like a book. Of course, that book is an indecipherable, sprawling tome written in Egyptian hieroglyphics.

‘Man’ overboard

“Man” overboard? Hold on, now. Why do we have to assume it’s a man right off the bat?

Jeopardy anecdote

I don’t have a pick-up line, but I do have an anecdote in case I ever appear on Jeopardy!

Lasting love

I tell her she’s the reason I wake up in the morning. But really, it’s because I have to pee.

Alien abduction

I doubt aliens are abducting us to examine our genitals. I can’t even find an Earthling who’s interested in mine.

Fifty Shades of Sweat Socks

Now that she’s read “Fifty Shades of Grey,” she has heightened expectations …