Tag Archive | relationships

Please don’t set me up with one of your psychopath friends

When taking a date to a Mexican restaurant, I tend to establish dominance right away. So when the server brings the chips and salsa, I’ll quickly drag them to my side of the table. My date will laugh and reach for the chips … so I’ll fend her off by tucking the chip basket under […]

‘This TV dinner tastes like shattered dreams and singledom’

I can read women like a book. Of course, that book is an indecipherable, sprawling tome written in Egyptian hieroglyphics.

‘Man’ overboard

“Man” overboard? Hold on, now. Why do we have to assume it’s a man right off the bat?

Magic Eye poster

She’s looking at me like I’m a Magic-Eye poster. As if she stares hard enough, something more amazing will emerge.

Wedding bells

Not sure if that’s wedding bells I hear, or the sound of dreams dying slowly.

Eating out alone

When eating out alone, I always ask for two menus. It gives the illusion that my date never showed — instead of never existed.

Jeopardy anecdote

I don’t have a pick-up line, but I do have an anecdote in case I ever appear on Jeopardy!

Lasting love

I tell her she’s the reason I wake up in the morning. But really, it’s because I have to pee.

Best dates

They say the best dates include breakfast … so I take all mine to the iHOP.

Alien abduction

I doubt aliens are abducting us to examine our genitals. I can’t even find an Earthling who’s interested in mine.