Tag Archive | romance

Ode to a bygone love

I’m wondering where you are tonight. I’ll tell you where I am. I’m in a smelly cab traveling through downtown, surrounded by a city that’s blinding me with neon and swallowing me whole. I’m leaning against the blotchy, fog-coated window, which feels like a sheet of ice against my flushed face and fevered cheeks. The […]

A party of one isn’t much of a party

It’s inadvisable to go out to dinner on Valentine’s Day if you don’t have a date. Common sense, you say? A nugget of knowledge so blatantly obvious that it need not be spoken? Perhaps. But unfortunately, I speak from experience. Unattached and dateless — and working at a new job in a new town — […]

‘Yes, dear’

Don’t throw garbage in there! That’s a decorative wastebasket

Roberta, I hope you’re having a good evening. Thank you so much for coming. I’ve been wanting to have you over to my apartment for quite a while. I also hope you enjoyed your dinner. Sorry I burned the fish sticks! I’m just not used to baking them in the oven. I usually use the […]

Sweet serenade in the moonlight

If you’re looking to serenade a special someone in the moonlight, it’s never advisable to bring a synthesizer. Trust me on this one. Even if it’s portable and uses four D batteries instead of an electrical cord, the hassle is sure to undermine your amorous intentions. First of all, you have the lug the oversized thing […]

The kind that produce gas

I like to conclude a romantic evening with a beautiful woman by reaching across the table, taking her hand, and extolling the many virtues of beneficial gut bacteria. It’s not often I get a second date. Actually, I’m not even a big proponent of probiotics. Not anymore. I took them regularly for a few years, […]

Please don’t set me up with one of your psychopath friends

When taking a date to a Mexican restaurant, I tend to establish dominance right away. So when the server brings the chips and salsa, I’ll quickly drag them to my side of the table. My date will laugh and reach for the chips … so I’ll fend her off by tucking the chip basket under […]

‘This TV dinner tastes like shattered dreams and singledom’

I can read women like a book. Of course, that book is an indecipherable, sprawling tome written in Egyptian hieroglyphics.

Magic Eye poster

She’s looking at me like I’m a Magic-Eye poster. As if she stares hard enough, something more amazing will emerge.

Wedding bells

Not sure if that’s wedding bells I hear, or the sound of dreams dying slowly.