Tag Archive | sarcasm

Delicious desserts with a sprinkling of dust 

During the summer before I started college, I worked as a laborer for a lawn-cutting service. I was one of five guys on the crew, and my boss was named Crew Leader Carl.  One day, we were barreling down the highway in the maintenance truck, our trailer swinging behind us. Lawn clippings flew out the […]

The abject inhumanity of a house without pizza 

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon. I was standing in the kitchen, rummaging through the pantry.  My girlfriend, Ashley, walked into the room. “What are you doing?” “Looking for something to eat,” I said, my head buried in the pantry as I waded through cans and boxes. Ashley snickered. “With your butt sticking out like […]

The erosion of quality in today’s ‘hurry-up-and-half-ass-it’ economy

A few years ago, I took a temp job as an entertainment blogger for an online magazine. My boss’s name was Ron. He was short with a clenched jaw and shoulders so stiff that they came up to his ears. Ron would spend his day walking up and down the rows of desks, screaming horrific […]

Not every question needs to be asked 

Years ago, before starting college, I worked as a laborer for a lawn-cutting service. We had five guys on the crew, including me, and my boss was named Crew Leader Carl. That wasn’t his legal name, in case you were wondering. That was just what we called him. (That would have been an uncanny coincidence […]

Falling asleep during the movie invalidates your perspective

It was Friday night. My girlfriend, Ashley, and I were lounging at home. “Is it my turn to pick out a movie tonight?” I asked. “I don’t know,” Ashley said. “Is it? I thought you picked out the movie last Friday?” “What movie did I pick out?” I asked. She shrugged. “I don’t know. I […]

Putting the pieces together 

It was Saturday evening, around eight. I was at my friend Ashley’s apartment. We were kneeling over the living-room coffee table, putting together a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle. We’d bought it about a week ago during a weekend shopping trip. Now, after working on it for a few hours every evening since, we were almost done. […]

A lawn-care crew that carries in the groceries 

During the summer before I started college, I worked as a laborer for a lawn-cutting service. There were five guys on the crew — including me — and my boss was a guy named Crew Leader Carl. He had hair down to his shoulders and always had a cigarette sticking out the side of his […]

The future turned out to be as dull as the present

When I was a kid in the 1990s, I used to watch Back to the Future II — the one where Doc and Marty travel from the year 1985 to 2015. I remember how exciting it was then to dream about the future and all the technological advancements it would bring. Talk about a letdown. […]

The rich are suffering the most in the U.S.’s overheated housing market

According to recent data, the lack of available housing in the U.S. is pushing the rich into increasingly substandard living conditions — including homes that lack indoor swimming pools and which feature laminate floors instead of hardwood.  The finding came from a recent economic report issued by the Association for Statistical Study and Emerging Sciences, […]

The fight for survival in the supermarket aisle

I can’t walk through the grocery store these days without some wide-eyed, deranged maniac barreling down on me with a shopping cart. You’ve seen these people — they’re half-crazed and on a mission. The way they shove their carts down the aisle, you’d think they were tackling a linebacker. You have to jump aside when […]