Tag Archive | sarcasm

Requisitioning a company vehicle

During the summer before I started college, I worked as a laborer for a lawn-cutting service. There were five guys on the crew — including me — and my boss was a guy named Crew Leader Carl. He had hair down to his shoulders and always had a cigarette sticking out the side of his […]

A surefire way to move traffic

During the summer before I started college, I worked as a laborer for a lawn-cutting service. There were five guys on the crew — including me — and my boss was a guy named Crew Leader Carl. He had hair down to his shoulders and always had a cigarette sticking out the side of his […]

Decorative, dust-covered potpourri that has no smell 

My company hired a new intern recently named Kyle. The other day, I was working in my cubicle when Kyle approached me from behind and tapped me on the shoulder.  “Excuse me,” he said, “but I was just in the restroom, and –” “I really don’t like how this conversation is starting,” I said. He […]

Big media and its incessant war against Millennials

Last week, I was invited to participate in an editorial meeting at a metropolitan newspaper. I followed all of the reporters to a conference room and took a seat. The executive editor sat in a chair near the front. “Listen up, everyone,” he said, holding up his hands. The chatter in the room slowly subsided. […]

Fulfilling your life’s purpose may be hazardous to your health 

It was a gorgeous Saturday morning. I was lying on the living-room couch in my underwear, watching TV and drinking a beer. My girlfriend, Ashley, walked into the room and stopped dead in her tracks. “Hey,” she said, motioning to me. “What’s this all about?” I let out a three-second belch. “What’s what all about?” […]

Delicious desserts with a sprinkling of dust 

During the summer before I started college, I worked as a laborer for a lawn-cutting service. I was one of five guys on the crew, and my boss was named Crew Leader Carl.  One day, we were barreling down the highway in the maintenance truck, our trailer swinging behind us. Lawn clippings flew out the […]

The abject inhumanity of a house without pizza 

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon. I was standing in the kitchen, rummaging through the pantry.  My girlfriend, Ashley, walked into the room. “What are you doing?” “Looking for something to eat,” I said, my head buried in the pantry as I waded through cans and boxes. Ashley snickered. “With your butt sticking out like […]

The erosion of quality in today’s ‘hurry-up-and-half-ass-it’ economy

A few years ago, I took a temp job as an entertainment blogger for an online magazine. My boss’s name was Ron. He was short with a clenched jaw and shoulders so stiff that they came up to his ears. Ron would spend his day walking up and down the rows of desks, screaming horrific […]

Not every question needs to be asked 

Years ago, before starting college, I worked as a laborer for a lawn-cutting service. We had five guys on the crew, including me, and my boss was named Crew Leader Carl. That wasn’t his legal name, in case you were wondering. That was just what we called him. (That would have been an uncanny coincidence […]

Falling asleep during the movie invalidates your perspective

It was Friday night. My girlfriend, Ashley, and I were lounging at home. “Is it my turn to pick out a movie tonight?” I asked. “I don’t know,” Ashley said. “Is it? I thought you picked out the movie last Friday?” “What movie did I pick out?” I asked. She shrugged. “I don’t know. I […]