Tag Archive | sarcasm

The incessant whining of House Hunters couples

If I were a masochist, I might reach out and flush the toilet while showering. Or, I could stick my hand in a beehive and pluck off a chunk of honeycomb. Or, easier yet, I could simply watch a marathon of House Hunters reruns over the weekend. Talk about excruciating agony. If you’ve read this […]

A meme that only an English major can love

Either that, or a Norm Crosby fan.

The top 60 Tweets of a pretentious English student 

Even graduate students studying ecocentric literature can be social-media superstars! Bio: I express my artistry through emotional meditations and lowercase letters. My heart is pure; my poetry, self-published. 1. If there’s a sock on the door, don’t come in. I’m busy reading Vonnegut. 2. If my beret doesn’t give away my artistic tendencies, then I’m […]

The lengths some people will go to steal a parking space

I happened to be following a car as it pulled into my apartment complex. It turned left at the entrance and started driving through the parking lot toward my unit. I didn’t recognize the car, so I figured it had to be a guest, and not a tenant. “I bet he tries to park in […]

A side order of drama at the drive-through window 

I pulled up to the drive-through window to order lunch. The speaker clicked, then gushed out a stream of static and crackling. “Excuse me?” I asked, leaning my head out the window. The speaker hissed, then shrieked with a horrible feedback-like squeal. I jumped back, holding my ear. “Mumble mumble mumble,” said the speaker. I […]

An under-appreciated office-dweller

“Thanks.” That was the extent of your e-mailed response: “Thanks.” I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I’m glad that you at least acknowledged my effort. But “Thanks”? That’s it? Not to sound entitled, but I think I deserve a little bit more. Did you see how quickly I acted upon your request? And did you […]

Uncertainty and panic at the bank drive-through

The drive-through window at the bank is a problem. Once I slip my deposit into the transparent plastic tube and press the “send” button to make it whoosh away, I’m not sure what to do with myself. I don’t want to face the bank window, because then the teller will think I’m scrutinizing her performance […]

Why I started flossing more

I’m a colossal disappointment. At least according to my dental hygienist. She didn’t say as much — at least at first — but I could tell. Even under the face guard and surgical mask, her narrowed eyes belied her disdain. I found myself withering under the piercing gaze of her intense disapproval. It was as […]

TV Guide listings for my five favorite shows

Sometimes TV Guide listings can be a little *too* detailed.

Compelling case

That voice in the back of my head, telling me I’m not good enough … it does make a compelling case.