Tag Archive | work

Stuck in the middle with you

Financial experts: No matter what the market, you should always buy stocks

I walked into a local money manager’s office the other day to open an account. “Do you have an appointment, sir?” the receptionist asked, as I walked past her desk. I walked into the money manager’s office and sat down at his desk. “Here’s the thing,” I said. “I know you’re a money manager, so […]

A side order of drama at the drive-through window 

I pulled up to the drive-through window to order lunch. The speaker clicked, then gushed out a stream of static and crackling. “Excuse me?” I asked, leaning my head out the window. The speaker hissed, then shrieked with a horrible feedback-like squeal. I jumped back, holding my ear. “Mumble mumble mumble,” said the speaker. I […]

So my boss said to leave the report on his desk…

When I first got my new job, my boss, Steve, asked me to write a one-page report for the executive manager. “Be sure to send the report directly to me,” Steve said. “You don’t want me to send it to the executive manager?” I asked. “I don’t. I want to check it before he sees […]

Your dirty dishes are my problem

Dear Senior Leadership Team, Good morning. I’m writing to you today to express a grave concern. I’ve spent many sleepless nights debating whether to escalate this concern to senior management. As a result, my work performance has suffered, and I’ve ordered way too many useless gadgets from the Home Shopping Network. I feel I have […]

Attack of the time parasite

The time parasite is a wretched and despicable creature. They’re among the lowest form of scum imaginable (a true invertebrate with no noticeable backbone or useful purpose), and they often come with an overinflated sense of self worth and a graduate degree in business administration. The time parasite is a true bottom-feeding life form oozing […]

An under-appreciated office-dweller

“Thanks.” That was the extent of your e-mailed response: “Thanks.” I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I’m glad that you at least acknowledged my effort. But “Thanks”? That’s it? Not to sound entitled, but I think I deserve a little bit more. Did you see how quickly I acted upon your request? And did you […]

A calm, easygoing commute

As you might know, I have a demonstrated propensity for getting stuck behind monstrous, slow-moving trucks on my way to work. Today was no exception. I was already late, because I had stopped at the Jack in the Box drive-through to get a breakfast sandwich. I’d devoured it even before I reached the highway, and […]

A brick-sized bar of birthday soap

Dear Hannah, Thank you for the gargantuan bar of soap you bought me for my birthday. It’s the size of a brick. Literally — it’s the size and shape of a brick! Actually, I thought it was a brick before I unwrapped it. I was trying to figure out why you’d buy me a brick for […]

Omit the extraneous details, please 

“Did you know there was an earthquake last night?” I asked my friend, Hank, as we stood near the water cooler at work. “Oh, yeah,” he said. “I felt it.” “You felt it?” I asked. “They said it happened around eleven-thirty. I was asleep.” “Yeah, well, I was awake,” he said. “You see, I’d gotten […]